I’ve been considering a myriad of weight-loss/exercise tools in order to get my fat ass back into some kinda shape that doesn’t rhyme with “mound,” and after Abs Diet (you want me to do what??), modified Atkins (mmm… beef jerky), Couch-to-5K (never got past ‘couch’), Wii Fit (I AM RUNNING!!!) and most recently, Weight Watchers (what I don’t record I didn’t eat, right?), I’ve decided on P90.

Originally I thought about doing P90X, but mostly that’s only because that’s all I had heard about, and everybody on Twitter and Facebook and websites and dark alleys under bridges with knives… wait, maybe not that last place… anyway, they were all talking about how unfuckingbelievable and great and agonizing it all was and I thought, “hey, I can do that!”

Then I saw an infomercial for it and thought, “No effing way, pal!”

The infomercial was pretty typical of exercise infomercials – buff dude barely breathing, barely sweating, talking all about how great his product is while people do the routine behind him; the video bouncing from the workout floor to various before/after pics of the most extreme cases of success any workout regime has ever seen, complete with the “results not typical” disclaimer at the bottom. 

And of course there were Real! People! Testimonials! to convince you that this was the best thing since sliced bread, which, by the way, you were never ever going to eat again for fear you’d balloon up to your previous weight times two.  Anyway, these testimonials talked all about how these people were Marines and Navy Seals and professional athletes and all that and they basically ended up sitting on their asses eating bonbons watching Oprah and getting fat.  You know – living MY life.  And it was really inspiring and again I couldn’t do anything but think, “Hey, I can do that!”

Heyyyyy… wait a second…

I was never a Marine.  I was never a Navy Seal.  I was never a professional athlete.  I did, however, once eat bonbons while watching Oprah.  I’m more apt to be found grilling 28 grams of saturated fat-filled ribeye with a baked potato the size of my head and washing it down with 280 calories of dark, smoky, chewy beer. 

Further investigation and research became necessary.

As it turns out, the folks at www.beachbody.com have about 4,008 different exercise and weight-loss programs.  After reading their forums, I determined that no matter how much I wanted to try P90X, it was going to end badly.  Instead, the pre-cursor to P90X, its little brother (Yes, I’m talking about you, Spartys) P90 seemed a little more fitting (unlike my jeans) to my situation. 

I got up Monday morning to do it only to realize that with it being just the second time I opened the box, and only the first time while sober, there was a little more preparation necessary than I originally anticipated, and getting my shit together would not be a welcome adventure for my sleeping family at 5am.  So, today, with it raining cats and dogs (or something) I’m gonna go home after work and get it all together and get started.  My goal is to lose 10 pounds.  My secondary goal is to do that about 7 or 8 times.  My timeframe?  Dunno, but let’s see if these 10 pounds can find a new home by mid-May, if not earlier.  I’m gonna watch what I eat again and I’m gonna cut back on the beer.  Hopefully by the time the fall brews roll around in what is known in my house as The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year, I can enjoy an Octoberfest or five without fear of stepping on my flab as I stumble to the couch (full circle, baby!) to pass out.

Wish me luck, and please follow along!