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P90 – Day One

I’ve been considering a myriad of weight-loss/exercise tools in order to get my fat ass back into some kinda shape that doesn’t rhyme with “mound,” and after Abs Diet (you want me to do what??), modified Atkins (mmm… beef jerky), Couch-to-5K (never got past ‘couch’), Wii Fit (I AM RUNNING!!!) and most recently, Weight Watchers (what I don’t record I didn’t eat, right?), I’ve decided on P90.

Originally I thought about doing P90X, but mostly that’s only because that’s all I had heard about, and everybody on Twitter and Facebook and websites and dark alleys under bridges with knives… wait, maybe not that last place… anyway, they were all talking about how unfuckingbelievable and great and agonizing it all was and I thought, “hey, I can do that!”

Then I saw an infomercial for it and thought, “No effing way, pal!”

The infomercial was pretty typical of exercise infomercials – buff dude barely breathing, barely sweating, talking all about how great his product is while people do the routine behind him; the video bouncing from the workout floor to various before/after pics of the most extreme cases of success any workout regime has ever seen, complete with the “results not typical” disclaimer at the bottom. 

And of course there were Real! People! Testimonials! to convince you that this was the best thing since sliced bread, which, by the way, you were never ever going to eat again for fear you’d balloon up to your previous weight times two.  Anyway, these testimonials talked all about how these people were Marines and Navy Seals and professional athletes and all that and they basically ended up sitting on their asses eating bonbons watching Oprah and getting fat.  You know – living MY life.  And it was really inspiring and again I couldn’t do anything but think, “Hey, I can do that!”

Heyyyyy… wait a second…

I was never a Marine.  I was never a Navy Seal.  I was never a professional athlete.  I did, however, once eat bonbons while watching Oprah.  I’m more apt to be found grilling 28 grams of saturated fat-filled ribeye with a baked potato the size of my head and washing it down with 280 calories of dark, smoky, chewy beer. 

Further investigation and research became necessary.

As it turns out, the folks at www.beachbody.com have about 4,008 different exercise and weight-loss programs.  After reading their forums, I determined that no matter how much I wanted to try P90X, it was going to end badly.  Instead, the pre-cursor to P90X, its little brother (Yes, I’m talking about you, Spartys) P90 seemed a little more fitting (unlike my jeans) to my situation. 

I got up Monday morning to do it only to realize that with it being just the second time I opened the box, and only the first time while sober, there was a little more preparation necessary than I originally anticipated, and getting my shit together would not be a welcome adventure for my sleeping family at 5am.  So, today, with it raining cats and dogs (or something) I’m gonna go home after work and get it all together and get started.  My goal is to lose 10 pounds.  My secondary goal is to do that about 7 or 8 times.  My timeframe?  Dunno, but let’s see if these 10 pounds can find a new home by mid-May, if not earlier.  I’m gonna watch what I eat again and I’m gonna cut back on the beer.  Hopefully by the time the fall brews roll around in what is known in my house as The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year, I can enjoy an Octoberfest or five without fear of stepping on my flab as I stumble to the couch (full circle, baby!) to pass out.

Wish me luck, and please follow along!


Opening Day!

Way back when Major League Baseball cared less about money and more about tradition, the Cincinnati Reds would open the baseball season with the first pitch as everyone else lined up and had a go shortly thereafter.  Nowadays the regular season opens on Sunday night before and this year was especially orgasmic for baseball’s biggest media outlet, as we all got to see one of the extreme rarities in sports: Yankees – Red Sox on ESPN. 

verlander1Nevertheless, we fast-forward to today where everyone else gets going including my beloved Tigers, who are in Kansas City to face the Royals.  One would think that with Justin Verlander facing Zack Greinke, this will be a pitching duel of epic proportions, but one may have thought that about C.C. Sabathia versus Josh Beckett last night, and one would’ve been wrong.

Without further adieu, the Tigers’ lineup for today:

CF – Austin Jackson
LF – Johnny Damon
RF – Magglio Ordonez
1B – Miguel Cabrera
DH – Carlos Guillen
3B – Brandon Inge
C – Gerald Laird
2B – Scott Sizemore
SS – Adam Everett

As I mentioned, Justin Verlander gets the Opening Day nod again for the Tigers.  Verlander finished 3rd in the Cy Young voting last year and he’ll be facing the 2009 AL Cy Young Award winner, Zach Greinke. 

It would be nice to get a win, since I don’t think the Tigers have beaten the Royals since mid-2006.  I could be wrong about that.

Finally, how wrong was it to see Curtis Granderson in a Yankee uniform last night?  It was very wrong.  Very, VERY wrong!  But he homered off a righty and whiffed against a lefty.  Some things never change.

…buy me some peanuts and Cracker Jack…


Don’t call it a comeback!

Cuz really, who expects me to keep this up, right?

I’ve moved over here from over there, mostly because I lost any shred of anonymity I naively hoped for in blogging.  The sensitivity of those who discovered me yet said nothing about it was more than I cared to coddle, and therefore, if I were to continue (read: start again) then I’d have to find a new home.

Don’t get me wrong – it’s not like I plan on absolutely shredding anyone and everyone just because I can, because really, how long can I expect to be hidden?  Blog updates will probably be advertised via my Twitter account, which is currently unprotected.  I like to think I’ll keep the other place updated from time to time so as to throw off the scent, but I’m sure I’ll be discovered here.

To those people, and for the occasional post that mentions them, I preemptively say, “relax.”  I love everyone (except Nancy Pelosi), and these are my thoughts. 

Finally, I’m trying to find/create a theme I like, so please don’t run away if it looks different in these first few days or even weeks.  I’d appreciate it.  I’m writing this all for me, I just hope you enjoy reading.

You’re now down with a discount.